We're All Insecure Here
Hello, my name is Cassandra and this is my blog. I'm sure anyone reading this already knows me personally, but I haven't posted on here in a quite sometime so just go with it!
Recently I have taken to coming up with a few blog post ideas throughout my day in order to exercise my creativity. I mysteriously found myself in a Forever 21 fitting room a few days ago and one such idea hit me. There I was struggling to get a pair of trendy jeans on over my thighs and thinking to myself, dang I'm still insecure about my thighs. I have actually written a post on here in the past where I briefly discussed my qualms with my body. I still stand behind the message of self-love and acceptance within that post. However, I have come to realize that being comfortable in my own skin is not a linear process. I have hiccups sometimes. And more importantly, I know I am not the only person who does.
Later that same day, that I somehow ended up in a clothing store (I refuse to let this joke die), I was perusing my Instagram timeline and saw countless ladies perfectly posed showing off their outfits fresh off the spring/summer '18 trend lists. Some where along the scrolling and tapping it hit me. We don’t openly share our insecurities. I feel confident in the knowledge that everyone has them, but I also know that none of us share them. Thus, here we are today. It is a frightening thought sharing my insecurities and embarrassments on the Internet, but I think that is precisely why I must.
I am insecure about my height, my build, my stomach, my thighs, my thick & dark hair, my razor burn bumps, my excessive sweating, and my acne. Now, if you just want a brief rundown of my insecurities, then that last sentence will do. However, if you want some juicy embarrassing pre-pubescent Cassandra stories, by all means read on.
As stated in the title of my last post discussing my body, I’m too tall to be a Disney princess. Yes, Disney Parks have a height limit on their face characters and I exceed it by an unfortunate inch. My insecurity about my above average height does not stem from that fact, I just like sharing it. A lot. But being taller than my girl friends and my prospective crushes growing up did help this insecurity grow. I always felt out of place among my peers. I had even drilled it into my head that no boy would like a girl taller than him. Unfortunately up until high school, the idea of a boy possibly liking me held a lot of weight. Thinking I was undesirable by my male fourteen-year-old counterparts knocked my confidence.
In junior high, I distinctly recall that one of my best friends and I decided that we were simply big boned. See, we were never as petite as the other girls in our friend group and it was clear to everyone. We found comfort in our similarities. I mean who else could we borrow clothes from? We convinced ourselves that our larger frames made us less desirable than the rest of our friends since they were naturally short and skinny.
Growing up, I took a number of dance classes. Out of all those classes though, my least favorite was always ballet. I always dreaded ballet class because it meant that I had to wear a leotard and tights. I remember before one class, I saw two mothers commenting on my stomach in the fitting room. Saying how I had grown since last year’s recital. Seeing the movement she made with her hands over her midsection, I resolved to wear sweaters and hoodies during barre from then on. I wholeheartedly believed that there was a problem with me because my body was not flat from my chest to my hips.
No one ever commented on the fact that my thighs filled out my dresses and skinny jeans more than my peers, but I convinced myself that they were rotund. Actually, up until four years ago I would only ever wear skinny jeans with a cardigan so the dips from my waist to my hips to my thighs could be covered from the sides.
In my previous post I shared that I believe my figure to be at least partially influenced by the fact that I am half Cuban. Well that Cuban influence can also be found in my hair. Actually, I can thank my Cuban father and Italian-American mother for my dark and thick hair. Sure, it’s nice to know that I will never go bald on my head, but having one of my girl friends tell me I needed to shave my stomach and arms in junior high didn't exactly make me feel beautiful. To this day I notice my arm hair whenever I get photos back from a shoot. On low days, I'll even refuse to post any photos with my arms clearly exposed.
Sharing this next insecurity is a struggle for me, but here goes nothing! I decided at a young age that I looked disgusting with my inherited hairy legs. Because of that belief I shaved my legs a lot and actually still do. I still don't feel completely comfortable with the look of my hairy legs, and I certainly don't feel physically comfortable with my prickly legs. These discomforts mean that I shave my legs a lot, causing another insecurity. I get really bad razor burn. Yup, those little red bumps urk me to no end. I have tried everything and I mean everything to get rid of my hair, and the bumps, but have had no luck.
Well here's another unsavory trait that I have a hard time sharing, I sweat. No, really. Like, I sweat a lot. If you don’t believe me ask any girl who attended Timbercrest Junior High’s seventh grade PE class with me. I was a horrible-smelling, tomato-faced, sticky mess every day after third period. I would end up so anxious throughout the rest of my classes. I convinced myself that I smelled and looked horrible. I'm definitely still insecure about my sweating, but I cope now by simply always having deodorant with me. Which actually has turned out to be very useful for many of my coworkers in the past.
Thankfully for me, my next insecurity has actually lessened through the years, my acne. I have learned how to best take care of my skin to avoid major breakouts, but I do still get the occasional blemish. When I get those obvious white heads or large red bumps they have a way of shaking my confidence and ruining my day.
Sharing these insecurities doesn't mean that I don't love myself and my body. I firmly believe everyone has their own stuff they work through. Now you know mine.
I would also like to make it clear that I am not sharing this for anyone's pity. Honestly all of these childhood stories really don’t phase me anymore. I recall them now from time to time as a way to assign the feelings I now have. Still, I know I am not the only one who experienced situations like these while growing up. More importantly, I know that I am not the only one who still experiences those days where all you can see are your insecurities. There are so many reasons why I have been apprehensive to share this post. Beyond my own fear of sharing my insecurities, there is the fear that sharing all of these issues I have with my body make me seem so superficial. Again though I ultimately decided to ignore those feelings because I know I am not the only young woman to feel this way. Gosh darn it you can practice body positivity as much as you want, but I promise you there are weak moments. We all experience weak moments. We all experience insecurities. So why not share them? I think it's comforting to know that in this wonderland, we’re all insecure here.
For today's post I wanted to include an outfit that highlights a few of my insecurities. These pants are tighter than I would typically feel comfortable with around my stomach and thighs, but hey it's all good! All of these photos were actually taken by the lovely Sarah Bishop. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to shoot with Sarah during her last trip to Raleigh. Sarah was an incredibly kind and easy to talk to individual all throughout our shoot. And I seriously could not be happier with all of the photos she sent me! I hope you enjoy these lovely shots as much as I do. If you're ever in need a photographer, I highly recommend checking her out.
Now cue Hannah Montana's “Nobody’s Perfect” and I'll see ya next week!
- Disingenuously Dressed