Insecurities ft. Sad Girls Coffee Club
I recently wrote a short post that was shared on one of my new favorite Instagrams, Sad Girls Coffee Club, which discusses an insecurity I have yet to dive into here on the blog. This Instagram page is pretty awesome because it aims to break down some of the stigma surrounding mental health. It features strong women sharing vulnerable experiences in a format that feels genuine and raw. As if you just sat down with a cup of coffee to talk about the icky feelings. Okay that sounds a bit specific, but honestly that’s all my best friends and I do at our local coffee shops.
Today I wanted to share that post I wrote for Sad Girls Coffee Club and add a little bit to it too. I hope you enjoy reading very personal information about me- wow, that sounds weird. But more importantly, I hope you go follow Sad Girls Coffee Club on Instagram! I’ve been loving every post on this new innovative page and I can’t wait to see it grow.
Sad Girls Coffee Club,
I thought a lot about making this post as genuine as possible. If I were to sit down with one of my best friends over a cup of coffee what icky thing would I bring up today? Well friends, my love life.
In all honesty I’ve been putting off writing this post for a while. I was honored when I was asked if I would share on this new platform, but that feeling of honor soon turned to fear. Though I’ve done it before, speaking on my insecurities and/or mental health is definitely anxiety inducing for me. Since being asked to write this post I’ve considered writing it on my insecurities regarding my body, my love life, my age, and my mental illness. Today I am feeling the insecurities surrounding my love life the most- so here it goes.
I’m a young lady. A young lady dealing with societal and personal expectations involving dating. I have never really felt too comfortable sharing my love life online because I’ve never really viewed it as genuinely successful. In my head, I’ve dated too many guys and had too many breakups. What qualifies as too many? Honestly I couldn’t tell ya, but I do know that I’ve assigned that unsatisfactory trait to myself. I shame myself for searching for love and falling short. I tell myself that there’s got to be something wrong with me for dating without success. And even worse than my feeling of inadequacy is the feeling that I’ve recently identified as slut-shaming myself.
Okay, now before you get all wound-up thinking this young woman is being over-dramatic (and very possibly using too many hyphens, sorry to my English teachers!!), hear me out. I grew up in situations that told me very clearly that I should not fall in “love” young. That I should not get carried away and be a “stupid young girl.” Meaning that I shouldn’t express feelings for a guy too soon or too frequently. And on that note, that I definitely shouldn’t date around because that is just indecent- I mean, what would people think? Just recently, someone very near to me declared that I have “too many boys.” I thought to myself, damn I’m just a twenty-something who has had an unsuccessful love life thus far… But I mean, maybe he’s right.
But here’s the thing, he’s not right. Sentiments like that make me look back on my love life with shame when in reality I’m learning and growing and making mistakes. Which, newsflash, is perfectly all right for a young person. I make myself feel terrible about dating, and in doing so cripple my ability to function in more ways than just romantically. When in reality, I am strong enough for heartbreak and smart enough to make the right choices- or at the very least, I’m human enough to learn from my mistakes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I recently had a Taylor Swift type revelation (stay with me I promise I’m going somewhere). But I just had a moment where one of her answers in the Vogue 73 Questions video she did finally made sense to me. She says that she wishes she could tell her younger-self that she is going to date like any normal young twenty-something would, but that she is going to be used as a lightening rod for slut-shaming. And then it hit me. Growing up, I always thought Taylor Swift was some kind of whore for dating so many guys. But she was actually just a young woman figuring herself and her love life out. She should have been perfectly allowed to date someone, have it not work out, and want to try again. That process didn’t make her a slut, it made her human.
Of course, through writing this lengthy piece, on a topic that I typically think of as taboo, I am reminded of the importance of sharing what is uncomfortable to talk about. I know that if one of my friends expressed these insecurities with me I would be far kinder to them than I am to myself. So I hope that’s what anyone reading this walks away with too. Please be kind to yourself.
(And others too, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
- Disingenuously Dressed
Photo taken by David Icasiano